5 Ways to Overcome Resentment in Marriage

Couples who come to a point where they realize that they are struggling in their marriage, and who perhaps seek marriage counseling, can often be surprised at the “silent killer” that has been lurking in their relationship, gradually poisoning their interactions, and destroying love and respect. This silent killer goes by the name of resentment and builds up through unresolved issues and pain caused.

The issues and hurts which cause resentment in marriage need not be as a result of large transgressions such as infidelity, although they might be, they can also develop gradually over time through smaller things – a spouse who fails to maintain their responsibility for household chores, who does not show thankfulness for acts of service, who forgets birthdays and anniversaries, etc – the list goes on and is as nuanced as every unique relationship between two individuals is.

A spouse who develops resentment in marriage is one who has been holding onto some unpleasant feelings for a long time. The feelings have passed from being linked to specific events and have tainted the way the person views their husband or wife; these negative thoughts begin to seep into every area of the marriage and feelings of appreciation and joy are diminished.

The Bible has much to say about bitterness, which can be likened to resentment. “See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it, many be defiled,” exhorts the author in Hebrews 12:15.

Paul addresses the Ephesian church by saying “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:31-32). Bitterness and resentment in marriage are so destructive that it should not even be allowed to take root and should be banished or put away as soon as it threatens to rear its head.

The good news is that, if you have been struggling with resentment in marriage, God’s Word promises that it is possible to remove this negativity and move forward towards a relationship where spouses are kind to each other, tender-hearted, and forgiving of each other. How is this possible, you might ask? When you are in a dark space in your marriage, it can be difficult to see any glimmer of hope for change.

5 Ways to Overcome Resentment in Marriage

While you might not see the hope, put your hope in God’s truth, and follow the counsel of those who offer wisdom on the subject. While your situation is individual, the problems are not new, and a trained Biblical counselor will have successfully walked the road towards healing from resentment in marriage with many couples. Their advice might go along the lines of the following:

1. Acknowledge your feelings

The first step towards any emotional change is to acknowledge your feelings about something. Some people were brought up in families where feelings were not discussed, and this can lead to bottling up emotions and perhaps not even being aware that they exist in the first place.

Irritability, passive-aggressiveness, or anger might be the only means of expressing negative emotion, but they often run deeper into more complex feelings linked to hurt and pain. Journaling what you feel about a particular topic can be a helpful way to clarify exactly what resentment in marriage you have built up and why, in order to take the next step.

2. Express your feelings to your spouse

After you have worked out how you feel, you need to take time to tell your spouse. If you have not addressed the issue before, it might be that they are completely oblivious to what is causing your annoyance or pain. Often something that seems clear to one partner in the marriage is not obvious to the other.

Be clear and direct about how you feel and what you need, and put forward your request in a loving way, without loading on blame for the built-up resentment. Maybe you have tried to express your feelings to your spouse before and they have not changed their behavior. Once you are sure that you have communicated clearly you need to leave their response (or lack thereof) in God’s hands and focus on praying for heart change.

3. Focus on forgiveness

The cure for bitterness and resentment is forgiveness. Resentment in marriage is like an open wound that keeps conflict alive and prevents you from fully reconciling with your partner. It might feel like your feelings are fully justified, and they may well be, but the fact of the matter is that holding on to grudges mainly hurts the person holding them.

Actively choosing to forgive your spouse for the hurt will release you from the feelings of resentment and allow you to move forward. More importantly, forgiving those who have wronged us is what is required by God. Just as Christ has freely forgiven us, so we need to forgive those who have sinned against us (Matthew 6:12).

By pursuing forgiveness, we are living out the gospel of grace; and, through the Holy Spirit, is what will soften hearts and bring about restored relationships. Even if your spouse never changes, know that God is close, He is sovereign, and that He has a purpose for your good and His glory in the midst of your suffering (Romans 8:28).

4. Examine your heart

If your resentment in marriage has built up over many years, chances are there are deep-rooted negative and sinful attitudes that may only fully come to the surface as you forgive. Forgiveness may also not be a once-off experience, you will need to commit to a long-term process of examining your heart and laying it before the Lord.

With the barrier of resentment removed, you may also experience a new perspective and see your own sin in the situation, which was perhaps driving your spouse’s behavior. As you change, they will likely respond accordingly, and your marriage will improve.

5. Look for the positive

When we get married, we expect our spouse to meet our every need and have the same attitudes and perspectives that we do, and it can be quite a shocking revelation for couples to realize that this is by no means the case. These kinds of unrealistic expectations are what can often drive a wedge between couples, who when dating perhaps saw only their partner’s positive characteristics.

When resentment has built up in a marriage, it is necessary to take a step back and assess which of our expectations we can set aside, and also to focus on our spouse’s positive qualities again, rather than just the negative. Just a few positive comments of appreciation can set in motion an upward spiral towards renewed mutual feelings of love and respect.

It might seem simplistic to read about five steps to overcoming resentment. While these are the “tried and tested” solutions, working on something that requires heart change not only in one person but in both is extremely challenging and will only be possible through the power of the Holy Spirit.

The devil hates to see Christian marriages being restored, so if you are trying to overcome resentment in marriage, be assured that you will face opposition. Going to a Christian counselor, even if your spouse does not attend, can help guide you through the process and keep you accountable. It is not an easy road to walk but is one that will reap many rewards for you personally, for your marriage, and for eternity.