7 Signs of a Toxic Relationship

When you’re in a situation, you don’t always see it clearly for what it is. People often talk about the “red flags” that warn of a potentially toxic or abusive relationship as if they are waving high in the sky for everyone to see from the start, but in reality, they are not always so easy to see at first, and people will often already feel invested in a relationship by the time they begin to question whether the relationship is a healthy one or not.

A toxic partner will put their best foot forward in the early days of a relationship, making one question the legitimacy of any later doubts. In this way, many people find themselves stuck in a destructive relationship when they are already in a position where it feels hard to leave. There are, however, some warning signs that can help an observant person discern whether they are investing themselves in a toxic relationship.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Inconsistencies

In a toxic relationship, you will find a partner who talks up a great game, painting themselves in the best light wherever they go. But if you are paying attention, you will notice that what this person says and what this person does are quite different things. There will be an inconsistency between who they say they are and who they really are.

Take for example a person who portrays themselves as a person of great faith, with a Bible next to their bed and always supposedly involved in their church, but then when you get to know them a bit better you notice that they never go to church, always have excuses not to attend with you, and that Bible is nowhere to be seen.

These kinds of inconsistencies may go unnoticed by the less observant person, especially if you are not involved in each other’s everyday lives yet. But if you are being observant, pay attention to the true character of the person you are interested in and compare what you see with what they say.

Dishonesty

A toxic partner has a lot to hide. They want you to trust them – to depend on them. To achieve this, they will make great boasts and avoid anything that might portray them in a bad light. Should something potentially negative about them become known, they will find a way to explain it away.

Some of your money went missing? Oh, they did notice that person hanging around your handbag. Did someone say something bad about them? There’s a real story behind why that person is out to get them and would make up all kinds of lies to make them look bad.

In the end, one lie will lead to another as more and more are needed to cover up the initial blemish. The toxic person would rather you cast your doubt on everyone else outside of your relationship and will use deceit and dishonesty wherever necessary to control the narrative.

Isolation

In a toxic relationship, your partner will want to have all your energy and attention focused on themselves. They will want to control the narrative, to have the overriding say about your experiences, and so they will strive to isolate you from your previous network of people.

If your family and friends observe long enough and notice any of these tactics, they will pose a threat to the power your partner wants to have over you, so they will attempt to drive a wedge between you and any relationship that could threaten the position they hold in your life. This isolation wouldn’t be obvious at first.

They may want to introduce you to their friends and keep you too busy with other social commitments, that you end up brushing off your faithful friends. But the toxic person would also want you to cut ties with your friends, and they would want you to feel like it was your idea to do so.

They would do this by sowing doubt about your friend’s intentions, make it appear that your friends are just trying to prevent you from having a fulfilling relationship and that they don’t care about your desires so that you will be the one to pull away from those relationships.

Blame Shifting

A toxic partner never wants to be seen as being in the wrong. The only time they will apologize or appear to take the blame will be if it will serve them in some way, like by gaining your trust by doing so. A toxic person will be quick to shift the blame for anything away from themselves.

Initially they may shift the blame away to other people outside of the relationship. Things didn’t work out because their boss intervened, or something came up because a friend said something nasty. But eventually, once you are invested and committed to the relationship the blame will increasingly turn on you, in part because there are fewer people around to blame once you have become isolated from your other friendships, but also because breaking you down will be another way of controlling you.

When you feel guilty, they will be more able to get you to do as they want, so this is a place where they will push you repeatedly. If anything goes wrong, if you ever question anything about them or the relationship, they will find a way to turn it around until you are the one in the wrong. “You don’t trust me.” “You can’t seriously believe something like that?” “Why aren’t you helping me more?” Blame shifting and gaslighting are classic signs of a toxic relationship.

Smooth-talking

The problem with shifting the blame to you is that if they do it enough, you may become disgruntled with your toxic person and decide enough is enough. So, what a toxic person will do is balance the blaming and shaming with a lot of smooth-talking. They will be quick to build you up after they have broken you down.

A toxic partner will want you to feel like they are the only person who cares for you, that they continue to do so many good things for you despite your failures, so much so that you will not only feel guilty about any thoughts of leaving but will also feel like there’s nowhere else you can go where you will be loved and cared for as much as they do. They will romance you and make up for fights with grand romantic gestures. Their power is in their tongue, and they will use it to make you feel like you have the best partner for which you could hope.

Dependence

A toxic relationship will be one in which you are in a place of total dependence on your partner. The toxic person thrives on the idea of being needed by you. You doing something for yourself, apart from them, will be seen as a bad thing and they will find reasons to make it seem to be something that you should leave behind. They may want to be seen as the provider and will try to make you feel like you cannot manage without them.

Whether this is achieved by providing for your physical needs, getting the house in their name, working to bring home groceries, or by being the only person to provide for your emotional needs, they will create a situation where you will question your ability to go it alone.

If you feel unable to walk away, their control over you is so much more certain. Alternately, they may make you feel like they can’t get by without you, even threatening to harm themselves if you leave them, thus guilting you into staying in such an unhealthy situation.

Control

At the end of the day, the primary characteristic of a toxic relationship is control. A toxic partner will want to be the primary influence in your world, controlling your social and emotional life, controlling you. They thrive on being in a position of power and will do whatever it takes to get there and to stay there.

They will use smooth-talking, grand romantic gestures, manipulation and deceit, and threats in some cases, to get you to do what they want you to do, which is to give them that prime position in your life. So, when you are in a relationship keep your eyes open to the power dynamics, to the inconsistencies between what is being said and what is being done and don’t allow yourself to be isolated from those who cared for you before.