8 Steps for Coping with a Failed Marriage

A failed marriage can happen for many reasons. Divorces can happen due to infidelity, abuse, an unwilling spouse who does not desire to work on the marriage, or because the couple has grown apart and does not know how to move forward. Couples can grow apart after losing a child or experiencing a tragic loss, due to a lack of communication in the marriage, or feeling like they are missing out on something else.

Let us consider a few marriage scenarios:

• Tanya and Ned were married for over thirty years. After their four children left the nest, they realized they spent so much time focused on their children that they forgot to continue investing in their relationship. They realized they were acting more like business partners and roommates than best friends and lovers. Ned wanted to start marriage counseling, but Tanya was unwilling and decided she was ready for a new adventure.
• Drew and Lilly have been married for five years and experienced multiple heartbreaking miscarriages and the loss of a parent and sibling during the years that were supposed to be the happiest and most exciting. They never recovered from their grief and found it nearly impossible to move forward.
• Mariah and Garret have been married for fourteen years and due to Mariah’s continuous travel schedule, Garret began having an affair with a woman from down the street. When Garret finally came clean to Mariah about his affair and begged her to consider marriage counseling, Mariah decided that she did not want to attend counseling and wanted a divorce. She was embarrassed, heartbroken, and was not sure she could ever forgive him.

The topic of Christianity and divorce is a sensitive one that is often avoided. Some situations cannot be controlled. Regardless of what you have been through, perhaps you are seeking healing after a failed marriage.

Maybe you are still grieving a divorce or trying to navigate these new waters of uncertainty. Perhaps it is recent, and your heart was just shattered into a million pieces. Maybe it was from years ago and your heart is still shattered into a million pieces.

First, if you are someone who has gone through a heart-breaking divorce – I am so sorry for the pain this has caused. Second, if you know someone who is going through a divorce, there are several things to consider so you can support them.

8 Tips for Healing from a Failed Marriage

Whether your divorce was three years ago or three months ago, here are some steps to consider as you begin collecting the broken pieces that feel so far away at this very moment:

1. Acknowledge the trauma.

Regardless of what happened within the marriage, it is important to acknowledge the trauma. Acknowledge that it hurts. Acknowledge that the waters of life still feel fierce as you try to navigate a new normal. Acknowledge that some of your friendships may change. Acknowledging the trauma is the first step to acceptance.
2. Accept your part in the story.
We must accept whatever the chapters of our life stories have been. Some chapters are mind-bogglingly beautiful. Some chapters are devastating and leave you feeling so uncertain about what is next that it hurts to breathe and is nearly impossible to sleep. Perhaps you are a support system for someone close to you that is dealing with a divorce. Accepting the chapters of life’s story will help you in processing feelings and seeking healing.

3. Process your feelings.

It is vital to take time to sift through all the things you are feeling. Realize that these feelings will not go away overnight. As you walk by the place that you became engaged or where you kissed for the first time, just know that you may be overcome with strong emotions for quite some time. It is perfectly normal to feel sadness.

It is perfectly normal to feel like a stranger in your world – because life as you knew it has changed and adjusted in some way. Perhaps you are in a depressive state just because the feelings are so heavy. While you want to process those feelings, you do not want to stay parked in that one place for too long.

4. Acknowledge the feelings of others involved in the situation.

If there are children involved, it is important to validate their feelings. Even if you are not the one who was recently divorced, it is important to validate the person’s feelings as they navigate the new waters of their life.

Children feel so many things if they have divorced parents – now dealing with going back and forth, sharing holidays, and having parents who are starting a new life of sorts. Even if children do not know how to voice their pain, it is important to start the conversation, ask questions, answer questions, and be a constant in their life.

“The greatest legacy one can pass on to one’s children and grandchildren is not money or other material things accumulated in one’s life, but rather a legacy of character and faith.” – Billy Graham

5. Find people in whom you can confide.

It is important to have a close friend that you can call when it all feels too much. Since you may be overcome by a cloud of uncertainty, it may be helpful to have more constants in your life. A best friend that you can have dinner with once a week, a small group Bible study at church, someone who has walked a familiar journey – these are all instrumental to your healing process.

Regardless of whether you were the one who divorced, or have a best friend who divorced, you or they need a strong support system that gives less judgment and more encouragement. They need tear-wiping and someone to walk hand-in-hand throughout the grieving process.

6. Make your home a haven.

“The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” — Maya Angelou

We all long for a place to be safe – a place to feel everything going on, process our grief, make memories, laugh, and reminisce on good chapters of life and write new ones. Whatever journey you are on right now, remember that home needs to be a safe place for all who reside there.

Children desire their worlds to feel whole, they want to make memories, and they should be encouraged to feel and open up about the good and the bad things that they are dealing with on the inside. This way, you can better aid them in their own grief journey and healing process.

7. Realize that every chapter has lessons to learn.

Whether you have walked through a divorce, have a best friend walking through a divorce, or had parents who divorced – remember to be open to the lessons that every journey has to offer. Journal what you are feeling so you can process those feelings and look at how far you have come months and even years down the road. Perhaps God can use your story to help someone else walking a similar journey that you are facing now.

“My faith didn’t remove the pain, but it got me through the pain. Trusting God didn’t diminish or vanquish the anguish, but it enabled me to endure it.” – Robert Rogers

8. Consider scheduling a counseling session today.

If you are on the brink of a divorce or are a byproduct of divorce, Christian counseling is a viable and perhaps life-changing option for you wherever you are in your journey.

If you know someone who is dealing with the aftermath of a divorce – remember to spend more time loving them and less time judging them. Let them grieve and support them as they try. Help them feel a sense of normalcy and safety.

If you are dealing with the hardship or aftermath of a divorce, here are some Scripture passages to encourage you in your journey. Call out to God – He is our comfort. Seek Him. Have difficult conversations. Permit yourself to grieve. Do not be afraid to ask for help.

My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. – Psalm 119:50

And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of His glory in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:19