Navigating the Stages of Grief

Perhaps you’ve come to this article amid grief. Someone or something you cared about is gone. Life has unavoidably changed forever. Or you were browsing the blog today and clicked on this article. Grief hasn’t found you in this season, but you know it will- grief is a part of life. Maybe a friend or family member is going through grief, and you want to help them. Whatever the reason you’ve found this article today, welcome.

Grief is one of the horrible unavoidable parts of life. It’s a reminder this world is not as God intended it to be and that this world is not our home. Seasons of grief are often compared to waves. Sometimes they come in fast and hard. Other times the water is still and calm.

No matter the season you find yourself in, we hope this article will help. Today we’re going to look at the five commonly known stages of grief. We’ll also look at two more stages that many experts have added to the grieving process. Hopefully, this will help you to not only understand grief better but to find a bit of comfort in whatever stage you are in.

The Stages of Grief as Rabbit Trails, not a Pathway

Before we look at the stages of grief, let’s talk about the journey. Many folks think once they’ve moved through one stage they will move in a linear pattern to the next. This is not how grief works. While we do follow a specific order, they are not “one and done.”

At the height of our grief, we may find ourselves moving through all the stages of grief in an hour. Others may find they spend weeks in one stage and then go back to another stage – sometimes even for a few minutes. You may move through all the stages in days, or it may take years to move through them.

Grief also has a way of inviting past grief in. People often report experiencing grief over something old from following a new loss. This is normal. You may not even be able to pinpoint exactly what it is you’re grieving sometimes. Trust your body, mind, and soul as you work through the journey of grief.

If you find yourself in a season of grief, feel free to reach out. Christian counseling for grief can be the support and nurturing many people need to wade through the seemingly unending path of grief. A counselor can also help you to understand what stage you are in and offer tips to support you during that stage.

Shock

Shock is not part of the original five stages of grief published by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. However, it is one many practitioners and mental health experts agree should be included. This is the first period after finding out about the loss.

It is important to remember shock can trigger our fight or flight response. During this phase, you may find yourself more jumpy than usual. It may be hard to relax and sleep. You may feel unusually exhausted. Thinking can become cloudy, and decisions may be hard to make.

In fight or flight, our digestion shuts down to conserve energy and appetite may be decreased. Some people report shivering during shock as well as memory loss. Some of these symptoms can be a bit disturbing. If you’re concerned about what you are experiencing, make sure to reach out to your healthcare provider.

Denial

In denial, we don’t readily admit what’s going on. Denial (as with any of these stages) can hit before the loss has fully taken place as well. An example would be a family member of someone who is in hospice that continues to act as though life is normal. They may even plan the hospice patient’s next birthday party or plan an upcoming family vacation. This is classic denial. The individual is unable to accept the loss is coming.

Denial can occur after the loss as well. It may occur in a less dramatic way where we wake up in the morning and our first thought is that everything is “normal.” Then as we wake up and realize what’s going on, the truth of our loss sinks in. Or we may have moments where our mind cannot understand the change and it feels impossible. Denial is our brain’s way of adjusting to the news and moving out of shock.

Anger

For many Americans, this is the hardest stage to deal with. We live in a culture that does not handle anger well. Nor have we been well taught to handle anger. Yet it is an important stage to go through- it can feel scary sometimes.

In the anger stage, we may become angry at ourselves, God, or others. If we’re grieving the loss of a loved one, we may find ourselves angry at their medical team, at God for taking them, or even at the person themselves for leaving us. When grieving the loss of a job, for example, we may become angry at ourselves, our boss, coworkers, or God.

This anger can manifest in unexpected ways. Often the anger comes out at something that seems random. We hit our toe and we would normally wince a bit and keep going, but when we’re in the anger stage we scream and yell or even cry. People are often surprised when their anger bubbles out seemingly out of nowhere. This is typical. The anger stage is a good stage for professional help and support.

Anger is also a good stage for the Prayer of Lament. In the Prayer of Lament, we bring our feelings to God and pray through our anger and grief in a healthy way. It’s also a good stage for mind-body techniques like yoga, meditation, and breathwork.

Bargaining

In this phase, we often make a bargain with God. “If you don’t take them, I’ll do XYZ…” or “If you give me my job back, I’ll….” Sometimes folks may try to make a bargain with another person as well. You may offer to do something or to be a certain way to change the situation.

This is also the stage during which we may have internal dialogue like “If only I had done _____ then _____ wouldn’t have happened.” We start to analyze everything that occurred around the loss and think of all the ways we could have prevented it from happening. In hindsight, we may realize that many of these are illogical but at the time they feel fully logical. Let yourself ride this phase; it is important.

Depression

Depression is the most identifiable stage of grief. Depression is when we move into sadness over the loss. This, along with anger, are also the phases where outside help can be useful.

Many folks are concerned about their loved ones during this phase and may encourage them to seek professional help. There is nothing wrong with depression and grief. However, if a lack of ability to engage in daily life or personal hygiene is displayed, outside help is encouraged.

For most people, depression is still a mood. Deep sadness. Deep sorrow. It will eventually wane. If the depression lasts longer than two weeks or becomes concerning, reach out for outside help.

Acceptance

This stage is when we come to terms with what has happened or is inevitably going to happen. We’re able to acknowledge the loss without feeling consumed by anger or depression. Sadness may linger but we know life goes on even with this loss. We’re also to speak about the loss without our bodies responding out of a place of panic.

Engaging Life

This stage is often looped in with acceptance. However, many believe this should be its own stage, so we’ve included it here. In this stage, we keep moving forward with our new normal without feeling conflicted or guilty about it.

Unfortunately, we live in a society where we’re often not always able to take the time and space we need to grieve. Many folks are forced into “engaging life” before they’ve properly moved through the phases of grief. Do your best to give yourself the time and space you need to go through the phase and trust you’ll eventually get to the point of engaging life from a place of acceptance and healing.

Remember, these are not linear. Grief is a journey. You may find yourself back in the other stages of grief again. This is okay. Ride through the wave of each stage.