Christian Counseling for Abandonment and Neglect

If you grew up in a loving home, chances are that the idea of child abandonment or neglect seems theoretical and extreme to you. Unfortunately, these adverse childhood experiences are quite common. In the United States, child abuse and neglect fall under the umbrella of “child maltreatment.” According to the CDC, in 2012, approximately 686,000 children were victims of child maltreatment, and 78% were victims of neglect. In this article, we’ll discuss the value of Christian counseling for abandonment and neglect.

Abandonment and neglect aren’t just about not having your physical needs met. You can have a roof over your head, clothes on your back, and food on the table, yet be emotionally abandoned by your parents or caregivers (this is known as childhood emotional neglect or CEN). And no matter the type of neglect a child has suffered, there will be consequences in their mental, emotional, and/or physical health.

The reasons for abandonment and neglect are complex. Sometimes neglect occurs in tandem with abuse, and it is in itself a form of abuse. Sometimes parents are physically present but are in the throes of addiction or mental illness, preventing them from being responsive caregivers. Sometimes the neglect is malicious. Children are more often placed in the foster care system due to neglect than for any other individual reason.

In cases of abandonment, sometimes both parents abandon a child, and in other cases, a child is cared for by a custodial parent, but the other parent chooses to abandon them, leaving lasting emotional scars.

Consequences of Abandonment and Neglect

Counseling for abandonment and neglect is crucial because both experiences can leave lasting scars on a child’s developing brain, body, and emotions.

Types of Neglect

Harvard University’s Center on the Developing Child says that “neglect is the most prevalent form of child maltreatment.”

(Source: Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University)

This chart shows that occasional inattention is a type of unresponsiveness that, when experienced in an overall caring and responsive environment, can be healthy for the child. Responsive parenting is not the opposite extreme from neglect (i.e. – becoming a helicopter parent and giving a child attention 100% of the time). Instead, it is an overall atmosphere of responsiveness and caring, interspersed with occasional periods of inattention.

The next stage of neglect is chronic under-stimulation, a type of environment in which a child is regularly ignored, there is a lack of responsiveness to his or her bids for attention, and there are no or very few learning opportunities offered.

This is followed by severe neglect, where a child may not even have his or her basic physical needs met. Severe institutional neglect involves settings like orphanages where children are left almost completely to themselves, although they may still be fed most of the time.

One more benign form of neglect is emotional neglect. This isn’t necessarily malicious:

“Emotional neglect is not necessarily childhood emotional abuse. Abuse is often intentional; it’s a purposeful choice to act in a way that is harmful. While emotional neglect can be an intentional disregard for a child’s feelings, it can also be a failure to act or notice a child’s emotional needs. Parents who emotionally neglect their children may still provide care and necessities. They just miss out on or mishandle this one key area of support.” (Healthline.com)

But just because emotional neglect isn’t malicious doesn’t mean it’s without consequences. Along with other, more serious forms of neglect, emotional neglect can affect a child’s ability to identify and cope with their emotions over time, as well as lead them to doubt their self-worth.

Effects of Neglect

What are some of the consequences of abandonment or neglect, both in children and into the adult years?

“A child who was abandoned by a parent or caregiver may have mood swings or anger later in life. These behaviors can alienate potential intimate partners and friends. A child’s self-esteem can also be affected by lack of parental support. Abandonment fears can impair a person’s ability to trust others.” (Good Therapy)

There are many well-documented consequences of child neglect. This image shows some of the impacts of neglect on learning and developmental outcomes. Child neglect also negatively impacts physical health, relational and social outcomes, and mental health and well-being.

(Source: nsw.gov.au)

Adults who were neglected as children often struggle with the consequences of neglect, even decades later. Karyl McBride writes:

“Neglected children often don’t realize they are being neglected at the time and can internalize the pain and loneliness and think it is their fault. They are often told they are ‘too sensitive’ or ‘selfish’ if they try to get their needs met. Parents with little empathy often neglect their children and don’t even realize it, while there are also parents who don’t care. Either way, the child grows up wondering about their own self-worth and value.” (Psychology Today)

The effects of neglect aren’t just floating in the ether of a child’s emotions; they change the developing brain. A child requires love, empathy, and nurturing to flourish, just like a plant requires sunshine and water.

Deprived of those basic necessities, a child will still grow, but they will struggle to survive instead of thrive. As an adult, they may still have trouble with confidence issues, low self-esteem, substance abuse, eating disorders, identifying, and managing emotions, having healthy relationships, or understanding how to parent their own children, among other symptoms.

Many people can overcome the effects of childhood neglect or abandonment and break the cycle of intergenerational trauma. An adult who was neglected as a child may use those experiences to inform their parenting in a healthy way – for example, they may determine to become an involved parent because they never experienced involved parenting as a child.

Defining Abandonment

What is the definition of child abandonment?

“Child abandonment occurs when a parent, guardian, or person in charge of a child either deserts a child without any regard for the child’s physical health, safety or welfare and with the intention of wholly abandoning the child, or in some instances, fails to provide necessary care for a child living under their roof.” (findlaw.com)

In other words, abandonment does not have to mean physical desertion. In some cases, a parent may reside with their child but have abdicated their parental responsibilities to provide care for the child’s physical and emotional needs.

Child abandonment also applies in situations where one parent has primary custody, and the other parent fails to be involved in the child’s life at all. The definitions of abandonment vary a little state by state in the U.S., but in general, if there are no calls or visits for between 6-24 months, the absent parent’s actions are considered abandonment.

According to VeryWell Family:

“The most common question is, ‘How could a parent do that?’ Sadly, parents who abandon their children often do so because they believe they are ill-equipped to provide the emotional and financial stability the child needs.”

Abandonment is not the fault of the child, and it is often due to a parent’s belief that they are not equipped to be a good parent, or their child doesn’t need them. In some cases, it may be due to circumstances out of their control, such as mental illness.

Effects of Abandonment

Unfortunately, regardless of the reasons for abandonment, children often internalize blame and develop self-doubt, question their identity, or have low self-esteem. A child will probably grieve this loss in their own way and eventually come to a place of acceptance. But abandonment issues can lead to difficulty expressing emotions, and fear of abandonment in adult relationships.

Trauma is often intergenerational, but it doesn’t have to be. You can stop the cycle with your generation. No matter how old you are, you can experience growth, change, and hope.

How Christian Counseling for Abandonment Can Help

The good news is that it is possible to process the trauma of child neglect and come out healed and stronger. Many types of therapy are commonly used for healing from neglect and abandonment.

For children, intervention can make all the difference in their recovery from abandonment or neglect. Play therapy for young children, and talk therapy for teens, along with specialized interventions and individualized treatment plans, can enable them to learn how to express and process their emotions in an age-appropriate way.

Therapy for children and teens allows trauma to be resolved and heal over time, reducing negative after-effects and opening the door for survivors of neglect and abandonment to thrive.

For adults who experienced abandonment and/or neglect as children, please know that it’s not selfish to talk about your experience; counseling for adverse childhood experiences can be incredibly healing, freeing, and life changing. You deserve a place of compassionate support where you can process your pain and heal.

Christian counseling for abandonment and neglect not only provides integrated psychological techniques, but it also considers God’s care and love for you. Your counselor wants you to know that you are loved, cared for, and cherished by the God of the universe.

Our pasts don’t define us, but sometimes they can hold us back from growing and flourishing. Christian counseling for abandonment and neglect can help you turn the page and write the next chapter in your story, turning it into something beautiful despite the pain you’ve experienced.

At Christian Counseling Glendale, we are privileged to be a part of your healing process. Call our office today to discuss options for Christian counseling for for abandonment and neglect.