Christian Family Counseling for Blended Families

Blended families come about because of a variety of circumstances:

• Tanya married Ned when she was twenty years old. They were married for three years before Ned died while trying to save a victim from a burning building. Ned was a fireman and thrived on helping other people. His legacy will live on in her heart forever.
• Ben was married to Sandy for five years before he found out that she reconnected with an old flame while he was deployed for six months. What started as a friendship turned into an affair. Ben was devastated when he found out, and soon after, she filed for divorce.
• Betty and Thomas were married for fifteen years and had two children. One night, Betty and her youngest child were the victims of a head-on collision and died instantly. Thomas was devastated and has had a difficult time coming to terms with being a widower. He hopes to find a mother-figure to nurture his daughter.
• Nancy and Bob eloped on a whim the night they graduated high school. They were young and in love but didn’t realize all of the pressures and struggles that life would throw at them. They were married for a year before they decided to call it quits once the pressures of bills and life’s uncertainties became apparent. Immediately after they parted ways, Nancy realized she was carrying Bob’s child.

These scenarios vary but hold their own kind of pain. Each couple faces a heartache that has changed the entire course of their lives.

When a couple lovingly says, “I do,” sometimes life throws curveballs that cannot be dodged. Sometimes the curveballs knock someone off their feet and leave them unable to dodge continued conflict in their marriage.

Sometimes a spouse passes away. Sometimes one spouse wants to work on any problems that come their way and the other refuses. Sometimes a couple just feels like their marriage is completely underwater and they see no life jacket in sight, so they stop searching for it.

As a person heals and weds again, they might become part of a blended family where there are children from the first marriage or previous relationship involved. Sometimes one spouse has a child from a previous marriage and the other does not. Sometimes both individuals come into the new marriage with multiple children.

Becoming a blended family means mixing, mingling, scrambling, and sometimes muddling our way through delicate family issues, complicated relationships, and individual differences, hurts, and fears. But through it all, we are learning to love like a family. – Tom Frydenger

It can be extremely difficult to navigate life as a blended family. Sometimes children feel overlooked or looked down upon by their new parental figure or siblings. Often, the newlyweds are trying to figure out marital intimacy, finances, schedules, and life with more than just themselves having to adjust.

Children are trying to figure out the new family dynamic, how to interact with their stepparent or siblings, and how to adjust to their parent giving more of their attention to the other people in the household.

Try to Understand Every Person’s Perspective

While you cannot place someone else’s feelings and thoughts in your mind, it is important to be aware of the varying emotions that might take place in a blended family. If a spouse or parent is deceased when blending a new family, it can be especially painful for children or parents. It might trigger old memories like family dinners or family movie nights.

If divorce is involved, it might frustrate a child, with thoughts of “I wish we would have been more like this when we were a family.” It is vital to have conversations with children to ensure that they know that they are a crucial part of the family. They need to know that they are safe and that their voice matters. Ask them questions about how things are going and how they are feeling. Speak positively about their other parent, whether they are deceased or living.

Co-parenting can be a tricky road to navigate. If there is another parent involved and a second household involved, it is crucial to everyone’s emotional health to not bad-mouth or talk down to the other parent/relationship.

Co-parenting is supporting both households. It is making it your mission to love and be there for the children involved. It can be so easy to bad-mouth the other parent in front of the child, but this can cause much resentment with the child, so try to keep things upbeat and supportive.

Stepparent-child relationships can be difficult to figure out. It is important to know that this can depend on both you and the child. What should not vary is your love for them. What should not vary is being supportive of their dreams and endeavors.

Even if you are not their birthparent, your support can mean everything to them. You might become someone they aspire to be like, have deep conversations with, confide in, and you are helping prepare them for their future.

Tips for Blended Families

Here are some things for blended families (or those preparing to unite one family with another) to consider:

• Discipline/House Rules. To make the transition smoother, it is helpful to have difficult conversations before your union. How are you going to discipline? How are you going to integrate your families and build unity?
• Be patient and ease into things. Both parents must ease into their new relationships with much patience and vulnerability. Admit to your stepchild that you are still trying to figure this out and want to be there for them. Have open and honest conversations as a family and with each family member. Be fair with all children and strive not to show favoritism.
• Start some new family traditions. You must allow children to hold onto positive memories from their past and begin building new memories rather than urge them to let go of their past. Their previous family dynamics will always be a part of who they are. It has grown and shaped them. It has challenged them. Their past may have many good memories, and that’s a good thing. It is important to view your new life and role, not as a competitor, but as continued building blocks for the future. It’s a new chapter. It’s the foundation and beginning of many more memories. Take the opportunity to start new family traditions.
• Support your stepchildren like your own children. It can be so easy to view stepchildren as second best, but it is important to welcome them and love them as your own. Offer to help them prove their history paper. Cheer for them at their basketball game. Help them run lines for their drama audition. Meet each child where they are and love them, support them, and nurture them. It is important for the family dynamic for each child to feel valued and validated, rather than less-than and second best. It takes time – ease into it but make yourself readily available.
• Never stop trying. “There will always be steps you can take toward unity in your blended family, and you will make it – one step at a time!” (Donna Houpe). When you become a blended family, you must vow to always try. Never stop trying with your spouse, children, or stepchildren. Never stop trying to create memories. Never stop trying to heal from past scars. Keep moving forward and never give up!
• Make your new home a safe haven. Discipline, have family meetings, go on dates with your spouse, have family gatherings where the other side of the family is welcome and cordial, and establish open communication. “Establishing living arrangements is an important part of setting up a blended family, and it plays a big role in how well your stepchildren will adapt to their new home life.” (Elizabeth Bryant).

I think we can all agree that those entering a blended family have seen the face of grief – whether your spouse died, or divorce was involved; it impacted everyone involved. If you are still trying to navigate your new normal or figure out what a healthy family dynamic looks like, an individual or family counseling session might be exactly what you need to continue moving forward. Sometimes the grief needs to be addressed so your future can be fully welcomed with arms wide open.