Coping with Infidelity: Advice from a Christian Perspective

When someone that you love lets you down, that hits you in a different place than if a stranger were to do the same thing. Surely, your loved one knew that what they were doing would hurt you. Why then did they do it? Didn’t they care about what it would do to you or your relationship?

These and related questions pass through our minds as we process a loved one’s failings. Those questions apply to situations such as when your spouse spends money frivolously and without consulting you, and they especially hit home when considering something like infidelity.

When a spouse is unfaithful, whether it’s an emotional or physical affair, they are violating a deeply intimate boundary. The whole idea of a committed relationship is that there are aspects of the relationship that are exclusive to the people in it. Infidelity profoundly violates that boundary and promise.

Tips for Coping with Infidelity

If your spouse has been unfaithful, how do you cope and begin to move forward? Here are some tips for coping with infidelity as you seek to heal with God’s help.

Acknowledge that it’s not okay.

In the first place, recognize that your feelings of betrayal, hurt, anger, sadness, etc., are real and justified. What your spouse did was not okay. In a survey, sixty percent of people thought that emotional affairs were still cheating, while around eighteen percent thought otherwise.

Some people think emotional entanglements don’t amount to infidelity, and if your spouse falls into the eighteen percent that holds that view, they may not be taking what they’ve done seriously. That may cause you to doubt your feelings and your reality. Your feelings on the matter are legitimate, and they should be taken seriously.

Remember you are worthy of love.

One of the usual consequences of infidelity is that the spouse that has been cheated on begins to question themselves, their sense of self-worth and whether they are worthy of love. As hard as it may be to accept, your value as a human being and as a spouse are not defined by your spouse’s actions.

It’s natural to ask questions such as “Am I good enough?” “What don’t I have that the other person does?”, “Why wasn’t I enough?”. The reasons people cheat is myriad: the lure of the forbidden, taking an opportunity as it presents itself, wanting something different, or pursuing a path not taken earlier in life. Most, if not all, of these reasons have little or nothing to do with the spouse who was cheated on. They relate more to the spouse who cheated and their sin.

There are at least two things to mention here. Human restlessness isn’t something another human can satisfy. The classic theologian Augustine wrote centuries ago, “You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.” A truth that releases us from desiring to be or feeling like we must be “enough” for another person is that we were made by and for God, and only in Him do we find rest.

It’s not up to you, or anything you do to settle another person’s restlessness. You are a human being and not God. The second thing is an observation that helps to illustrate the first. Hollywood gossip isn’t exactly healthy to consume, but one thing often stands out as a regular feature. You’d think that these wealthy, beautiful, successful people would be happy in their marriages, but it often doesn’t turn out that way.

Only God knows what unique pressures exist on their lives, but it seems remarkable that every time a story appears about a celebrity cheating on their spouse or partner you wonder, “But why?” Perhaps no one, no matter how beautiful, handsome, or accomplished is “enough” for another human being. Infidelity points more to something that needs to happen in the spouse who cheated than to some inadequacy in the spouse who was cheated on.

Realizing that you are worthy of love should help you to take steps to love yourself. You do this by getting good sleep, taking the time to work out, and eat well. While it may seem trivial or counterintuitive at a time such as this, these simple steps of taking care of yourself will go a long way toward helping you to cope with what has happened. They help your body deal with stress, elevate your mood, and give you the ability to deal with the emotions you’re experiencing.

Realize it’s not your fault.

And in line with that last point, it should be reiterated that it’s not your fault that your spouse cheated. Each person is responsible for their own actions, and your spouse needs to own what they did.

Often, when affairs happen, the spouse who has been cheated on starts to blame themselves and try to figure out the ways they could have done things differently. There is a time and a place for those conversations, but the key thing to remember is that you’re not responsible for how another person acts. It’s not your fault.

Address the elephant.

One of the biggest questions that infidelity produces is “Why?” Why did they cheat? Why and how did they permit themselves to do what they did?” These and other important questions get to the heart of what happened and why, and they can help you get a grip on the situation and retain some control.

In asking these questions, if you realize that your spouse doesn’t share your values, or that they aren’t taking what happened as seriously as you are, that can give you guidance about what to do next with the relationship.

Rely on your support network.

Infidelity is devastating and rocks your world. It’s something you may not want to go through alone. Rely upon and build your support network – trusted people who can maintain confidence, support you and be truthtellers in your life. These may be friends, a spiritual advisor, or a trained relationship therapist. Having people who can walk with you during this time as you process what happened is a huge help.

Choose to forgive.

Infidelity brings with it a variety of feelings. One of those may be the desire to see your spouse suffer, or to pay them back somehow for what they’ve done. The thought of forgiving them may be hard to fathom or stomach at this point. Remember, forgiveness is more about you than it is about them.

In forgiving someone, you choose to let go of any feelings of resentment you may have toward them. They don’t have to ask for or deserve forgiveness for you to extend it, but forgiveness is about letting go of the negative emotions that affect you more than they affect the other person.

Unforgiveness is an added weight on an already burdened heart and mind, but forgiving a wayward spouse is something every person must decide for themselves. It is a hard choice and one that each person weighs for themselves when they are ready to do so.

Prioritize what’s for now and what’s for later.

Going through infidelity and working through your thoughts, emotions, questions and much else is a process that takes time. Some conversations about what has happened don’t have to be had at once. Give yourself time. You can talk about certain dimensions of what has happened with your therapist in a safe space when you’re ready.

Infidelity reshapes the landscape of your relationship, and it raises important questions you and your spouse need to address about the state of your relationship both before and after the infidelity. This doesn’t then mean that what happened was your fault; it only points out areas where work needs to be done in the relationship, should you choose to remain in the relationship and rebuild trust.

Part of being able to cope with infidelity is to give yourself the time and space you need to work through things, and that may mean prioritizing your mental and emotional health before entering certain conversations.

Christian Counseling for Affair Recovery

If you could use some additional support for coping with infidelity, consider scheduling an appointment for Christian counseling, either for individual counseling for yourself or couples counseling for you and your partner. Browse our counselor directory to find the best therapist for your needs.