How to Support Someone After a Miscarriage

A miscarriage is a tragedy that affects not only the mother but also her partner and their family. In many cultures, it is considered appropriate for the mother to keep the death of her child a private matter, either for herself or for her and her partner to grieve together. Those who have been impacted by a miscarriage may experience feelings of alienation, depression, and loneliness as a result of this.

People who have experienced a miscarriage may experience feeling extremely isolated in their suffering, despite the prevalence of the condition. As more women with public platforms share their experiences, the cultural conversation about miscarriages is shifting in a positive direction.

A law that requires a three-day bereavement leave for mothers and their partners in the event of a miscarriage was just passed in New Zealand last month. This is an important step toward recognizing the grief and physical trauma that can be caused by miscarriages, and we hope that other countries will adopt policies that are comparable to this one soon. However, supportive policies are only one component of coming alongside those whose lives have been altered by a miscarriage.

A policy can’t replace the comfort that a mother, couple, or family receives from having loving friends and family members by their side as they go through a miscarriage. To be able to provide better care for loved ones during trying times like these, we need to understand and remove the stigma surrounding miscarriage, have respect for the grieving process, and be flexible, taking our cues about what those loved ones require from us.

What is a miscarriage?

A miscarriage is the unplanned termination of a pregnancy that occurs before the 20th week. The mother may not even be aware she is pregnant when many pregnancies end in miscarriage. It’s common to have a miscarriage.

According to the March of Dimes, 15- 20% of pregnancies that are carried to term end in a spontaneous abortion for every one-hundred women who are aware that they are pregnant. There are many potential reasons for a miscarriage, not all of which have been identified.

The impact of having a miscarriage

After a miscarriage, it can take the body of the mother up to a month to recover physically. Mothers who have experienced a stillbirth are at an increased risk of developing postpartum depression following subsequent pregnancies and deliveries. The effects on one’s emotions can be quite variable. It is common for the mother and her partner, if she has one, to experience a roller coaster of emotions after a miscarriage.

This is especially the case if the parents have had several weeks or months to get to know one another and get ready for the arrival of their child. Grief can be experienced by everyone involved, even though the circumstances of early pregnancy loss are unique compared to other types of loss.

For parents who deeply cared for their children but were never allowed to know them, this kind of loss can completely alter their worldview. Parents frequently suffer from mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, anger, frustration, and even resentment toward other people. They might be worried about having more miscarriages in the future, especially given the fact that it’s common to be unable to identify the specific cause of the occurrence.

What you can do.

When someone is going through this kind of loss, it can be challenging for them to articulate or even comprehend what it is that they require. There is no right thing to say, and there is no guarantee that an offer of assistance will be accepted. However, this does not imply that the support you provide is not needed or appreciated in any way. The following are five ways that you can be there for a loved one who is going through a miscarriage.

1. Listen.

Do not assume that you know what your loved ones require at this time. Bear in mind that the way you process your grief will be unique to you, even if you have experienced the loss of a pregnancy. Listening to what they have to say is the single most important thing you can do for them. Follow them as a guide.

Do they desire to be distracted? Do they need to let off steam? Be attentive when they express even the slightest need, and step in to meet that need if you can do so. For example, do they want to talk about their loss and cry about it?

2. Maintain an open mind when it comes to discussing the miscarriage.

Make it known that you are available to talk about the tragedy whenever they need you. A miscarriage hurts on many different levels of our being. All of the dreams and aspirations that the parent had for this child, the anticipatory excitement that surrounded the expected arrival of the baby, and the profound love that grew in the hearts of the parents as the fetus developed are shattered all at once in an extremely upsetting manner.

Parents may want to discuss all of these topics. You should give the people you care about the freedom to choose when and how they want to talk about their loss, but you should be prepared to do so whenever they are ready.

3. Give careful consideration to the words you choose.

It is simple for you to lose track of what you were thinking and say something thoughtless or inadvertently hurtful. Avoid using tired platitudes like “At least you already have a kid,” “You have an angel watching out for you now,” “You can always try again,” or “At least you already know you can get pregnant.”

These statements are not only unconvincing but also give the impression that you are attempting to minimize the seriousness of the situation. No matter how much time has passed, parents will never forget about their miscarried child, and your words have the potential to cause them pain.

If you feel the need to say something, it is best to limit yourself to phrases that acknowledge their suffering without offering solutions. For example, you could say something along the lines of “I’m so sorry, this is awful, I can’t imagine what you must be feeling.” It’s also a good idea to say something along the lines of “I love you and I’m here for you.”

4. Make an offer to assist with the fulfillment of physical requirements.

Grief has the potential to sap a person’s strength and vitality. It is kind to offer to assist your loved ones with whatever they may require, but there are times when it is more helpful to make a specific offer to which they can respond. If you can, it would be helpful if you could suggest some concrete ways that you could assist them.

You can lend a hand with meal preparation by providing a gift card for a meal delivery service or by preparing and delivering a meal yourself. Make them an offer to care for their children or to pick up their children from school.

Take care of one of their shifts at work. While your loved one is grieving over the loss of their loved one, it is important to consider their circumstances and what might fall through the cracks.

5. Acknowledge and respect their feelings as well as their experiences.

Last but not least, validating someone else, their experience, and the way they feel about it is an excellent way to show someone in your life who has gone through a miscarriage that you care about them and that you support them. Inform them that what they are experiencing is valid and normal and that there is no predetermined time frame for when they need to “move on.”

If you believe that your friend could gain from consulting a professional, the best way to approach the topic is from the perspective of normalizing the act of consulting a therapist for assistance.