Light at the End of the Tunnel: Healing Hurt In Marriage

Although the Biblical concept of two married people becoming one reads like a fairytale, not every marriage ends in a happily ever after. In one sense, we share rich experiences, grow in deep friendship, and enhance our ability to support and champion one another in significant ways. Yet, where we experience intimacy, we are vulnerable to pain and disappointment.

Sometimes, the depth of the hurt outweighs our desire to remain in the marriage, causing us to question all that we thought we knew well. This can cause us to revisit our vows and reassess if we are in the right place with the right partner.

Although it seems obvious, sometimes we need to remind ourselves that there are no perfect couples and no perfect marriages. Every connection, even among those that we admire and acknowledge that only God could have put together, requires effort and investment. In our relationships, the process of walking out oneness can be threatened by our imagination of what we think marriage is supposed to be.

Every marriage is unique; and just like individual people, cannot be compared from one union to the next. There is a common agreement and advice that can serve all marriages well: seek the One who authored and created marriage as a reflection of His Kingdom.

Forged in the fire

The process of becoming one is ongoing, but the Lord works in and through us as we learn to mutually serve and submit to one another (Philippians 2:13). Marriage refines us in what can be an intense fire, but it also forges us to become more like Christ.

Our unique experiences can promote or diminish the health of our marriage, but we choose how we will respond to God, one another, and the stirrings in our hearts. We must be willing to be honest and communicate that from a place of love. Learning how to navigate hurdles in our marriages is part of a daily and conscious decision to stay engaged with our mates.

Scripture typifies the relationship between husbands and wives as a stellar example of unity, where two lives become one. The dance of love and reverence reflects how our marriages point to the eternal illustration of Jesus, the Bridegroom, and His relationship with the Church (Ephesians 5:21-31).

It is through our human courtship, even within our marriage, that the Lord primes us to release and receive the good that He placed in us to share with our significant other. God is a kind and loving Father. He won’t withhold this goodness from us, but we can take active steps to partner with Him to manifest His Heart for family within the context of our own (Psalm 84:11).

“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” – Matthew 19:4

Forgiveness in marriage

Forgiveness is among those decisions that we make from one day to the next. We decide and continue choosing to receive God’s forgiveness of our sins and errors, knowing that we are fully loved, though imperfect.

As we walk out the process of forgiving our spouses, we need to be reminded that it is not a feeling that suggests we are perfect or problem-free. Rather, our choice to forgive demonstrates that we are willing to pivot in our relationship and regard our spouse through the lens of God’s love. It doesn’t mean that we deny the need to work through issues, but as we do, the Word lights our way through dark places.

Different types of pain may require creative approaches to resolution. Every couple isn’t experiencing the same battle, but the kinds of attacks that marriages absorb are as unique as the couples themselves.

At the core of any thriving connection is trust. It takes time and experience to build, but it can be lost momentarily. Recovery is not only in resolving the pain associated with broken trust, but also the investment we make in restoring the integrity and mutual confidence in our partnership. That is where we can decide that we will either tolerate our spouse or flourish in our relationship.

Forward movement

While we may have forgiven, we sometimes remain stuck in the mindsets and feelings that prevent us and our marriages from moving forward from offense or difficulty. As we continually reset our hearts to forgive, we incline our hearts to be more like Christ.

There is a risk in the decision to move beyond the place of pain, but remaining in our past will not sustain our marriage into the future that it could enjoy. Many couples remain tethered to an incident that threatened the health of their marriage. At some point, we have to agree on what we will hold and what we must release and let go.

We must consider the pain we inflict by constantly revisiting our spouse’s past failures in arguments, insults, or comments we cannot retract. Instead of fortifying love, reminders of past sin undermine and sabotage the thriving marriage we long for and desire to build.

We don’t always realize the degree to which our unresolved pain exposes us, especially when we weaponize our words. We believe that we are avenging ourselves by “having our say” or “getting it off our chests.”

The harmful words and the vicious manner in which we speak can subversively destroy the covenant that we vowed to protect. Forgiveness is more than a feeling, and recovery begins when we address our hemorrhaging heart.

Our behaviors will reveal if we carry invisible bruises, still sore from unhealed wounds.

When our hearts are hurting, we feel tempted to speak rashly or make sudden moves to exact revenge. Retaliation never settles the score, but rather multiplies injury and fractures us further.

We must invite the Holy Spirit to love and forgive through us, asking Him to help us treat our spouses with the same kind regard as the Father. Sometimes, taking intentional space to think through what we need to say can be an important first step that saves our marriage in the long run. Secondly, seeking counsel can help us individually, even if our spouse is not yet ready to take the journey with us yet.

Fulfillment in marriage

Marriage’s multiple benefits do not exempt us from the potential of harm, but we don’t have to remain there. We will experience miscommunication and misunderstanding at times. It is possible, however, to recover from the hurt and find ways to cultivate connection and revive commitment.

It may take outside support, but we can take courage that positive and lasting change happens by God’s power active in us. Just because we are experiencing challenging times and seasons now, doesn’t mean that our marriages are doomed or destined to stay in their present state.

We can be fruitful, flourish and prosper, and experience fulfillment in our covenant. We need special grace to meet each other in love and with compassion. Spiritually, we need to connect with God’s vision for our marriage.

Practically, we must establish time and space to devote ourselves to the nuances of what rebuilding may entail. It may require us to recalibrate attitudes and perspectives, and reconfigure our schedules and commitments, all to accommodate and promote the viability of our vows.

As we seek the Lord, ask in prayer, and obediently follow His nudges and instruction, God’s wisdom, strength, and favor will allow us to experience His full intention for marriage.

Christian Marriage Counseling

Seeking godly counsel is a good place to build with fresh fervor. Working with a therapist to facilitate dialog and explore issues can be life-saving, no matter how long you have been married or what you have endured. You actively elevate your faith when taking practical steps to improve connection and communication.

At Glendale Christian Counseling, you’ll find empathy and support from professional Christian counselors in Glendale. We can help you see the light at the end of the tunnel and champion healing for yourself, your spouse, and your marriage.