Staying Connected Across the Miles: Long-Distance Relationship Advice

Possibly far too many of our relationships are disposable and shallow. We Americans are typically busy people. Forging deep and meaningful relationships often takes more than we’re willing to give. If you form those connections, they are precious gifts to be cherished.

Finding a significant other amid the busyness of life and constant demands on us can be difficult, and that’s to say nothing of the complexities of dating and relationships in the 21^st century. It’s easy to make casual connections but finding something real that will last is a tough proposition.

With the proliferation of technology, it’s way easier to not only meet people all across the world, but to communicate with them. Between instant messaging, phone calls, emails, and texts, you can connect with anyone from just about anywhere.

Online dating has made it possible for people to build their lives with others in ways that would have been unimaginable a few decades ago. A long-distance relationship is a different creature from an in-person relationship, and it takes a certain mindset and set of tools to pursue one successfully.

Different types of long-distance relationships

There are several different situations that can be described as long-distance relationships. Some people first met in person, and then for one reason or another, they had to be apart. Maybe one person’s job moves to another city or state (or even country), and that takes you away from your loved one. This is the case with members of the military who are deployed and must be away from home.

For others, they may move to go to college, or because they need to fulfill family commitments that take them away from their original location. Either way, the initial contact was forged in person, and then an intervening event took place, and the relationship became a long-distance one.

For other people, they meet at a distance, and form a relationship while they are apart. For such couples, all they’ve known is the relationship as it is. Some couples have been doing the long-distance thing for a long time, while others may just be starting out on that journey.

Of course, what can be considered long-distance will vary for each couple, as some couples are only a couple hours’ drive or flight away, while others have further distances to cover. In other situations, a relationship can be considered long-distance if the couple see each other over the weekend because their jobs keep them in different cities or states during the week.

Additionally, another permutation in long-distance relationships has to do with how long the long-distance nature of the relationship will endure. For some couples, they are long-distance for a defined period of time, whether it’s a few weeks, months, or years, while others have no defined end date.

A couple might be invested in shortening the distance between them, but if there are financial and other travel considerations such as visas that need to be made, it may be out of the couples’ hands when they can get together.

These different types and experiences of long-distance relationships make it difficult to take a one size fits all approach, but below are a few pieces of advice that can help couples get the most out of their relationship even at a distance.

Some long-distance relationship advice

Know what you’re getting into. Before you get into a long-distance relationship, it’s important to know what you’re getting into. For married couples facing these decisions, for instance, they ought to consider the pros and cons of being apart, such as whether there is enough support for the spouse staying behind, and how they will deal with reduced opportunities for cultivating emotional and sexual intimacy.

Knowing what you’re getting into helps you prepare for the changes that will come your way. For people entering a romantic relationship, you must prepare yourself for what it means to be in a relationship from afar. It can get lonely, and without good communication and clear boundaries, a long-distance relationship can be quite challenging.

Online dating also requires some savvy because of the scams out there. Don’t fall too quickly for someone. Beware of requests for money or gifts. Don’t commit yourself beyond what you can justify based on what you actually know about the person.

Brush up on your communication skills. Being apart means that you can’t rely on what other couples in person can do to forge their connection. Physical contact is out of the question. Sometimes, a warm hug or a squeeze of the shoulder will communicate far more than reams of texts or instant messages.

In the absence of physical contact, and in some cases other cues such as tone of voice, being a great communicator will be a huge help for your relationship. It’s all-important to ask clarifying questions and to be a good listener. When you set aside time to connect, be sure to get rid of any distractions so that you’re fully present.

Embrace the mundane. When you’re apart from your loved one, your mind has plenty of time to dream up scenarios, such as what you’d like to say and do and so on. This can put you and your significant other under enormous pressure.

You might want you next facetime chat to be amazing, or your next date (in-person or otherwise) to be mind-blowing. If you’ve never met in person, you can place an inordinate amount of pressure on that first meeting.

Instead, embrace the mundane, and accept the fact that an okay date is just that – okay. It doesn’t mean that the relationship is in danger, or that you need to spice things up. Your first meeting doesn’t have to be mind-blowing; in fact, it might be a little awkward as you get used to interacting in person. That’s okay. Embrace it.

Know each other’s world. If you’re able to visit your partner where he or she is, you can go on a tour to see the place. Where does he or she get coffee every morning, or go for an evening jog? You can visit his or her workplace, meet some of his or her friends, and see where he or she lives.

These may be small details, but they add so much texture to your understanding of his or her world. You’ll know a bit better what his or her life is like. If you can’t be there in person, you can do a virtual tour.

Carve out time for each other. Life gets busy, and if you aren’t deliberate about connecting, you’ll miss out on creating intimacy. Even with couples living under the same roof, it’s possible to simply miss each other because you’re absorbed in your own stuff.

Long-distance relationships face similar challenges, and they can be even harder. You need to be intentional about spending time together, and that may also mean telling the people in your life that you are in a long-distance relationship. This may help to keep you accountable to your partner.

Carving time out may mean having an online date night you keep every week. Maybe you can make a meal over a video call, then sit down and share it. It may also mean setting aside time in your schedule to see each other in person, such as over the holidays.

Resolve conflict well. One temptation that long-distance couples have is to minimize conflict. The fear is that if you fight, it’s supposedly easier to walk away than if you were both under the same roof.

However, it’s important that any areas of concern are addressed, and conflict resolved so that you continue to love and serve one another. Honesty is the foundation of a healthy relationship, and that includes being honest about things that bother you. If your boundaries are violated, keeping mum about it will only breed resentment. It’s better to voice your concerns and try to work it out.

Keeping your long-distance relationship healthy

Long-distance relationships have their unique challenges. They require a person to have a certain level of maturity and intentionality, be able to communicate, set and maintain healthy boundaries, and be able to resolve conflict when it arises. These unique challenges may push you beyond your capacity and skill.

However, every couple faces their challenges, and it is possible to work through them. One help for couples in a long-distance relationship is through Christian counseling. A counselor can help you work through trust issues, help you cultivate good communication skills, develop intimacy in your relationship, as well as resolve conflict.

Whether you opt for individual counseling or couples counseling, your counselor will help your relationship by helping you discern any unhealthy patterns of behavior that may be undermining the relationship. Your counselor will also promote the patterns that support your wellbeing and the flourishing of the relationship.

If you are in a long-distance relationship and you need a space to unpack your feelings and overcome specific challenges, reach out today to a Christian counselor for guidance.